GAD Diaries Update and Announcement!

My special announcement to my readers of GAD Diaries. 

I decide to take this whole series into a further step; a video blog format! The whole purpose of making a video blog or known as v-log these days, is to expand this series into various platforms. By introducing this into other platforms, I am able to diversify my skill in presenting myself virtually (since I have not able to speak things properly in English due to the fact I am a bit of socially awkward, etc. ) and also mainly for the further experience's purposes. I will still put the updates here and also will notify you guys the next post/videos of my GAD series very soon.

So, down here is a link to my main channel. The channel is called as Feelcat. ( I am such a childish I know haha )

You can also check out my other videos as well to see more v-logs and weird updates or videos. I will see you guys soon in my future post. Thank You. 

GAD #5 : Anxiety reaches 100%

If my emotions can be represented as a mother nature, I will be one terrible earth.

GAD Diary #4 - FOOLS by Troye Sivan (COVER by Jungkook x Rap Monster BTS) and Last Day in Institute of Medical Research (IMR)

Just like my unhealthy obsession towards guilty pleasure songs (Zayn Malik's Pillowtalk and Hotline Bling by Drake, ah ha!), I am deeply in love with Jungkook x Rap Monster's cover of FOOLS. (from a babe, Troye Sivan). My first expression was like "damn, this song made me feel like a buttery melt butter feelings" till Rap Monster came and even made me love him more. (yes, he's my bias in BTS) I cannot stop om replying the song. Damn kpop idols and their tricky tricks!

As for today, it is official to say; today is my last day being in here (Institute for Medical Research). Sad? indeed. The place makes me extremely happy (I mentioned this, a few times in my Facebook's posts) and comfortable. I decide to film some of my favorite part of being in here before I leave this place for good (after lunch, obviously)

Unfortunately both of my bosses aren't here due to the fact one of them has a major meeting in Shah Alam and the other one is currently in vacation because his wife just gave a birth to a baby girl? I think. I am not sure. I haven't asked him. So, I decide to leave my message in email or give a text by the end of today.

Oh yeah, maybe in the future, I may have difficulties to update my GAD diary but I will learn to give a try. Don't worry, I always find my way. Hopefully, in the next post, I am already in my house with my fixed internet line.

Till next time, bye.

GAD Diary #3 : e-PJJ? UITM vs OUM

Yes. One of the things that I wanna do in my life's bucket list is to continue my studies in degree (at least) but I have a trouble to choose which of these university is suitable for my next step. A full time student isn't my main choice anymore since I am already work so I decide to choose this line (e-PJJ thug life, obviously!) to make it happen.

The obvious headache from this dilemma isn't only on the procedure, the suitable period of time or the fees but it is more mainly on what the fuck am I going to pick for my degree course. I have been paying my attention on Psychology course since the beginning but it is totally out of my luck since UiTM isn't offered the course in  their Social Science categories but OUM did offer the course in their own Social Science course.  My other option is actually to continue what I have left in diploma to my degree. MEANING; all I need to continue my studies in the same course but for degree level. I also have had a deep, meaningful thought on how can I make up my past about this issue and tried to come up with a few solutions. I still don't know if I make a right decision.

I actually looked through every single subjects from both universities and I have a huge dilemma because these pros and cons are presented. For example;

First, UITM e-PJJ. A few of their subjects need to be repeated again. I mean, I am actually graduated from UiTM, in Diploma Public Administration. I have already learned a few of the subjects such as Business Laws, Statistic and Industrial Relation subject during my diploma days so I think it is pretty pointless to repeat the same thing all again but I think it is worthy of shots since I can actually rewrite my result into getting B+ Second, OUM aka Open University Malaysia. Again, I am encountered the same problem all over again. (similar subjects etc)  but as soon I realize it, I guess, sacrifice is needed to be made in order to success.

So which one is it? I obviously have no idea, yet.

Whatever, I will save my headache on this because I am going to deal with them later after I made my decision. Hopefully, I will make the decision in the next post or videos on Youtube.

GAD diary #2 : Feeling terrified

currently feeling this
I can't stop for being so worry since yesterday after my visit with my future company. I signed and read the contract; heck man, I am doomed. There's a few rules that I actually didn't like at all. First, I can't bring my phone to the office (literally they asked me to keep on my locker fuck sake). I found it as quite absurd though I also can't help but to agree that most of people will abuse the privileges of having a phone while working. Not to mention, I have a trouble to trust these people. I always have this weird gutsy feeling that they may not appear as they look but I am letting time tells me who they actually are. I'm handing this to Allah.

I also cannot hide of feeling extremely sad and devastated. I really am love my current work in the Engineering Department, man. IMR (Institute of Medical Research) is the best! Not to mention; people in the administrative department is the coolest cupcakes people I ever meet. I wish I can work here a bit longer. I wish I have my place as a permanent worker here because this place gives me a sense of belonging. No one wants to judge me. They give me a time and space to breath. Do you know how hard is that to find a good superior and a good co-workers that actually never try to harm you or anything. Not to mention; NO FUCKING OFFICE POLITICS. I don't think I can find a same place and same people in other place like them.

This Friday, 7th March 2016, will be the official date that I am going to leave IMR for good. Good bye good people. Take care. I wish them the best and I hope I can experience the same feelings that I have here in the future.

P/S : I swear I am almost teared up.
Sincerely me,

GAD diary #1 : Japanese company in Malaysia?

I recently got an offer ( a job, obviously) to work and server for Japanese company in Malaysia (specifically, the name of company is JCL Leasing Sdn. Bhd). First thought? Exciting because I always want to work with foreigners but at the same time, I always have this second thought and anxiety is such a bitchy shit as usual.

My main dilemma? I am too comfortable with my current work so maybe I will never able to perform. I have to admit; this overthinking needs to be stopped but I can't help myself to actually develop these insecurities. My current job isn't even a permanent job (PSH stands for Pekerja Sambilan Harian. Meaning? I only work weekdays for RM54 per day. There's no OT, allowances whatsoever. If I am not able to work for a day, it'll not be counted in my salary payment). Will I make it? Will I perform even better in the future? I do not know and it scares me the most.

My second dilemma will be the working hours. I heard the Japanese company tends to prefer their workers to work late (will goes extend till 10pm which is a worrisome to my part)  and since the day I had a snatcher episode, I am too afraid to go outside for a long period. The funny part is, I actually went google a few things in the Employment Act 1955 as a precaution if anyone tries to force me to do something that shouldn't be done in the first place. My best friend laughed on me (obviously for her, it's such a silly way to do) but it does provide me a relief that I know my rights.

Having these thoughts do suffocate me. I can't help but to wonder if I can make it alive. Since the day I got this offer, my anxiety chokes me everyday, thinking I will never ever be going to perform their tasks. Imagine if I work in such a tremendous pressure? Good god, I have a terrible stress or emotional management. (Still a newbie. I got a lot things to catch up) I don't know if I can ever be a sane again.

I promise I will provide a full length story once I start to work there (which means, next Monday will be my first day!)

Till then, folks.

2016 - #1st updates! (Youtube channel, GAD and progression!)

Hello, my dear readers.

I know. I have not properly updated my blog and I do not think anyone is missing me this point but I miss you guys. I thought like, "let's make this blog happy again."

Besides, the only reason that I have decide to come back is to actually reconnect with my old habits. Anyway, I have a few updates that needs to be addressed so my lovely readers can have a picture of my current state.
  • I finally made my Youtube channel. I am still trying to find my voice but I have actually decided to make random things instead of sticking up with one or two types of videos. So you may see me in the future with tutorials, rants (mostly it'll be filled with rants and reactions towards a certain topic), challenges and v-logs. Now, I did write my reasons of why am I actually set up this on the channel introduction. Yes, it is made to see if my English can be improved but at the same time, I want to see my progression for years to the next. It will be fun to see how I change from now to the future.

  • It is safe to say that I have a GAD problem. What is GAD? General Anxiety Disorder (combines with depression. What a suck thing to feel.) I know it is wronged to be diagnosed without a psychologist/psychiatrist's actual opinion but I actually took the test and the result devastated me. Soon, I will try to reach out psychology/psychiatric department in government hospital and look out for the progression. I also will update my status in the next video or post.
  • I finally found a permanent job! It is actually from a Japanese company. I just went for a medical checkup since they said I need to do that thing first and they would give a offer letter next.
  • I will make a massive change in the blog soon. Just a few things, here and there.

I think that is all for now on. It feels good to be back, to be really honest. I guess reconnect with your old habit is not really a big of deal. Plus point, it does help me a bit in expressing myself more. Till next time, bye.