The main reason why that I don't updates.

I feel like I am completely out of mind. I am just too afraid of letting my thoughts so I held back every time that I try to finish my sentences. I am afraid of expressing things. This is not a healthy sign. This is a sign where I will get my anxiety attack, my minor depression mode in anytime from now on. I am in the deep trouble.

I want to bury all my thoughts in my brain forever and no one needs to know more but this is utterly useless. There's a few thing that I need to let go for good. I can't hide in this state forever because I don't want to poison myself furthermore. My thoughts are like a garden. Some of things need to be trimmed for good, others need to be fertilized, so I always want this undesirable roots to be permanently out from my garden.

 This is the reason why that I rarely write anymore because I am too coward to speak. It's weird enough for other people to understand my condition, well so does myself.

 But I am trying to recover myself from this chronic and devastated life. I will continue to write back my fanfics, blogs and update more. I also decide to educate myself to read more books. I mean no more excuses. I'll make this writing-reading-educating as a way of me freeing myself from anyone. My greatest escape, as you may call.